Glutton for punishment

I swear some days, I am glutton for punishment. Punishment from myself.

I can only try so many times before I just give up. But, when I don’t give up,  then it seems as though I’m just looking to be hurt again.

I know they don’t mean to hurt me. Well, I would hope that they wouldn’t want to.

But, I could talk to them five minutes or five hours and the outcome of the conversation would be the same. Me getting off the phone and I’d be hurt. Pissed off at them. Then it would start the cycle all over again.

If I could just stop, believe me I would. I’m tired of feeling pain.

I even feel pain when I don’t talk to them. All the unresolved issues we have between us.

I even feel pain when I see or hear about mothers and daughters getting together and doing something. Like going to the movies, going to lunch, or getting together for Mother’s Day.

I even feel the pain when I see or hear about father’s and daughters getting together for a BBQ’s, or getting together for Father’s Day.

I do feel happy when I see it around me, but I always wish it could be me and my mom or my dad.

My dad has two kids from his marriage now. They were born in 1975 and 1980 . So to know my dad has a relationship with them, hurts me. I’m glad for them and happy he has them, but I get sad because all I’ve ever wanted with my dad was what they have.

My mom, she has a girlfriend. And, she has No kids. But if her friends have kids, or grandkids, she has a relationship with them. Then I start thinking I’m not good enough to be apart of her life. Which in return is painful, to me.

My mom will go out of her way to be kind to complete strangers, and let them live with her and her girlfriend. She will give them a job, she will let them eat her food. But, all I ever wanted from my mom is Time. When I get turned down from her, I feel pain. Pain turns into anger, and anger turns into me punishing myself, in some way. She has called me names, names that I would never dream of saying to my daughter, and that is very painful.

My dad has said things to me that are painful. Very painful. To where I actually think before saying it to my daughter. If it was painful for me and I can remember those hurtful words. I know it would be damaging to my daughter.

I have learned a lot from my parents. Not, in the way you may think. Not in being kind to others, not in, don’t hurt that persons feelings.

The things I have learned from my mom are…. Do not say things to your child like…….. You’re a bitch, Fuck You, you look like a slut with that on, my world doesn’t revolve around you. I’ve learned that any woman in my life, will hurt me.

The things I have learned from my dad are…  Don’t ever give up on your child, don’t let your new spouse tell you how to handle your daughter from your first marriage, I’ve learned how to be an addict, I’ve learned that if I get married again that my child will come first, I’ve learned that if I let a man in my life he will eventually hurt me.

I have a wall.

A wall around me.

A wall, that NO one can get into.

A wall, that protects me from everyone.

A wall, that will come down.

But when will I be able to trust again, trust anyone?

I’ve been married for almost 22 years.  I know one day my husband will hurt me. He will hurt me by cheating on me, or he will leave me. He will hurt me.

I am a damaged woman.

I am Patty

I am,

 Glutton for Punishment.

Saying good-bye to toxins

Sam and Kathy,

As of this moment I will not try to get a hold of you, either of you by phone or email.

I am tired. I am mentally exhausted, by the challenges I have had to endure to have any type of relationship with either of you.

Even if we were to start to try to have a father and daughter or mother and daughter relationship with each other. My first thought was, I would be happy. But, after thinking and talking with my therapist about it. I just don’t see me being happy.

The only thing I have ever wanted was time. Since you weren’t able to give that to me over the past 35 years, then I don’t think you could start now.

I’m not sure, if I even want it anymore.

I have told you both my feelings, and you either tell me to get over it, or you tell me, that you have apologized and you will not anymore I’ve even had you laugh at me.

There are so many hard feeling between both of you, and myself that reconciling with either of you, is not in my best interest.

I have already started my healing process. Going to see a Therapist, and writing about my life.

Making my life public and what I am doing to heal myself maybe, will help someone. Even if that someone is me.

Kathy you have always been very toxic to me, and we have always had a toxic relationship.

Sam you have never been there when I needed you, and that to me is toxic.

To have two people who I held close to my heart, and hate me and not want to be a part of my life, is and always will be unhealthy for me.

If you have an illness in your body, you go to the doctor to help you get better. When you have cancer you go to another doctor to try to remove that from yourself.

I have to toxins in my life. I can’t have them be a part of me any longer. So I have chosen to have someone help me.

As hard as that is for me. This is how it has to be right now.

If and when I decide to have the both of you in my life again, it may be too late. But, this is how it has to be. By that time, you may not want one. That is the chance I have to take. And, I am willing to take it.

I love you and have always loved you, Both.

Thank you for having me..

Because  (ONLY, because) if you hadn’t, I would have never  had the chance of  having a family of my own. My husband and daughter.

 

Making my own destiny,

Patty

Feeling of abandoned and scarred for life

I’m now around 12 years old. I’m really not liking my life. Moms never home, if she is, she is consumed with her girlfriend or work. I’m just getting in the way.

My dad has his own life with his wife and his son. He doesn’t want me around.

I’m old enough to stay by myself. But, for the whole weekend? If I wasn’t at my house, I was lucky to be at my grandparents and not so lucky being at my fathers ,with my dad and step-mom.

My step-mom never wanted me there. Yet, I was a great Cinderella and she made for the best wicked step-mom. At one point, I thought I loved this woman, but after a little time I learned, I loved to hate her.. She had given my dad the ultimatum, it’s either me or your daughter.( I wouldn’t be writing this if he had chosen me.)  He chose her. She hated it when I came over. There was one time, I had forgotten to bring underwear. Typical tween right?  Not in Yolondas eyes. I was just not her child, so everything I didn’t or didn’t do, she didn’t like. I had taken a shower, and realized I had no underwear, so I got into my step-moms drawer to use hers, and I grabbed a pair of Garfield ones. I’m not sure how she found out, I could have told her, or maybe I didn’t. I didn’t think it was going to be that big of a deal. Well, it was. She threw her wicked step mother fit, to my dad. And, then there was a huge argument, between the both of them.  I was to blame for most of their arguments. I went home that day.  I hated going to my dads.

This was a difficult time in my life, going through puberty, not having anyone to talk to me about  my period. My mother’s way of talking to me about that was, here’s some pads and this is what you do. OH-KAY!  Aww, that’s what happens, and what I do. No one had ever talked to me about the birds and the bees, so I got to learn on my own. (You can probably guess where this is going.)

I was a good student in 7th and 8th. There was a time where  I had skipped going to my school one day and went to hers. (Ha Ha) Yes, I know that was stupid, but I had a good reason. (Ha Ha). My best  friend since Kindergarten was going to another Middle School. Her and I decided I was going to be her cousin from out-of-town and attend her school. Hey, her school fell for it, I went to all of her classes and we had a blast. The really, really stupid thing we did was, we had her call my school and tell them I had missed school because?(I can’t remember the excuse we had given). She was my step-mom… Well, my school called Kathy, while she was on vacation and told her about this call they had gotten. I happened to be staying at my best friends house while my mom was away. That evening my best friend, her mom, and myself were at the High School for Monty Carlo night. My mother showed up, and pulled me out of the gym, pissed off. I had no idea as to why she was there and she was pissed off, at me. What had I done?

I found out shortly after her pulling me outta there.

Once we got home, she told me the reason. She told me in such a rage, I was scared outta my mind. At one point this raging lunatic yelling and screaming at me, while I was standing up in front of a chair. She had yelled for me to sit down. So I sat. I remember mentioning something about my make-up still being over at my friend’s house and she told me she didn’t care about that, and that she/we weren’t going to get it. I started crying. I’m sitting down, after she tells me to, it seems like it was seconds later, she had grabbed me by my hair  and pulled me up out of the chair, to a standing position. I can remember her telling me, “I TOLD YOU TO SIT DOWN!!!”  My first thought was, “you just pulled me into the standing position. After that ordeal she went to her room, still fuming. She yelled at me  from her room, telling me to go to my bedroom. As I started walking to my bedroom, we happened to meet in the hallway. She doubled up her right fist, and punched me in my stomach, knocking me to the ground, then kicked me once. After catching my breath, I got up and went to my bedroom.

I so hated her, yet wanted her approval so bad.

Just about this time, that’s when I started running away. I would always run to my best friends house. And, supposedly my mom would call her mom and ask if I was there. I can’t say for a fact she did, because she was the only one that told me she would call.  I would always go back home, to my miserable life, living with her and her anger towards me.

Life as I knew it was going to change. The lack of parenting I had, and the emotional and physical abuse that was happening in my parents houses, was going to take me on a trip.

A trip that only GOD knows why. Because, I still don’t understand why it was me in this dysfunctional divorced family, that hated me.

Pain of missing Sam and Kathy (my parents)

THEY CALL IT PAIN!

Today, I been thinking a lot about my parents.

Some days are easier than others. Today isn’t as easy.

I haven’t spoken to my mom in over six months, and my dad in over 11 months.

My relationship with both of my parents are open wounds  that will not heal.

I have always had an on again off again relationship with both. Both though are different reasons. Some of my doing, some of theirs.

I lived with my mom,who had partners that didn’t want me around, so my mom didn’t want me around, so I wasn’t include in her world and that was very hard. My dad had his own family,his wife didn’t want me around, so my dad didn’t want me around. His new life didn’t include me and that was very hard.

I must move on. And, I’m trying, trying everything I can to not be upset, to have something with my parents that doesn’t involve being pissed at them, or them being pissed at me.

It’s hard, growing up, knowing deep down inside neither one of your parents want you, but since you aren’t old enough to move out, they have to take care of you.

I AM DAMAGED! A DAMAGED WOMAN!

It’s a love hate relationship. I’m always the one who is causing this thing, Yet I try so hard to spend time with them.   My mom is in Hawaii so spending time with her is far and few between. But, when she lived here in California I asked her numerous times if she would like to do something.

Example: Mothers Day “Mom would you like to go to lunch with me, we can meet half way. It’s been a long time since we spent a Mothers Day together?” “Oh Patty, I can’t me and my girlfriend have tickets to see the Oakland A’s play, it’s always on Mothers day, that’s Opening Season”. Me “Oh okay, maybe another time”.

Trying to spend time with my dad, is just about the same way.  “Dad, would you like to go to lunch sometime, just you and I?” “Oh Patty, I can’t, I don’t want to drive.” “Dad, I’ll drive to your town and I’ll drive us to lunch, where ever YOU want to go.” Aww, I can’t, I just had mouth surgery, and this happened to me and that happened to me.” “That’s OK, dad. I understand , maybe another time”

Here’s what happened to me in “1996″

I had an “Ectopic Pregnancy” I was so excited, but so let down. I went in for emergency surgery, and was in the hospital for four days. My husband called Kathy. He told her I was in having surgery for this life threatening pregnancy. My Fallopian tube had a baby growing inside of it, the size of a softball, the biggest the doctor had ever seen. She said I was approx. four months pregnant. The doctor did the surgery, my husband called my mom,and told her that I was in the hospital having surgery and that it would be nice if she would come down and see me,because I would probably need her. I’m guessing I needed her there for support. I knew nothing of that call or the answer, until years later.  Then he called my dad, he said he couldn’t come either. I don’t remember why he said he couldn’t, but my husband told my dad that I would need him there for support. he said he kind of spoke sternly to him, telling him he had to come.

I’m not sure why he came, but my dad did come. I was very out of it, but I know I was glad to see him. My grandmother came and stayed with me for about four hours.  My mom, never came. I found out the reason she didn’t come. She didn’t come because she told my husband, she had disowned me a long time ago, and that it would only cause problems. Yes, I can see why.. Bitch!

I know I have let my parents down, I got pregnant at 15, ran away all the time, used drugs, missed school all the time. But, to disown your only child between the both of these people? They had their own lives, I was not a part of that. I had to survive.

Survival, was what I had to do.

When you read my story, it is all true, nothing to hide, only the places where they happened, maybe.

I am making this promise, I will never do anything that my parents did to me to hurt me, to put me in harm’s way, to disown me. My daughter is my life and forever will be.

Thank you for reading,  “My truth” by: 1onlychild

My story still continues, after this writing. This is a healing process for myself, no one else. I have hand written this all, and now it’s for the world to read and maybe learn something.

How can a father leave his daughter?

The last truth I wrote was basically about my mom. This one is about my dad.

Well, you basically know about both of them, yet where I left off with my dad was, he had just gotten married. Married to a lady I thought I would be able to love.

My dad and Yolonda got married when I was seven. That was a long, long time ago.  I was happy for him, as happy as a seven-year old could be. All I knew was I was going to have someone who would nurture me. Well in saying that, that never and I mean never happened.

I was court ordered to spend weekends at my dads.  That was a tough thing for me to do, especially since they had gotten married, I was felt as though I was a pain in his ass and my step-moms.

They had just gotten married, and this being Yolonda’s first marriage, she wanted Sam all to herself. She couldn’t,  he had an ex-wife and a child. They could rid themselves of the ex-wife, but the child they couldn’t. I was there, there to be in their life until I was at least 18.

But they had lots of problems with Kathy having me call them and ask for child support. Just like my mom, if they heard my voice and heard my question that was all they wrote. They got mad at me just like Kathy did. So now, I have the people who I love, and trust unconditionally . Now I have them mad at me.

Thank goodness for my grandparents on the weekends. The stability was still there. it’s really hard for me to remember a whole lot that happened hen and shortly after they got married, but i can remember when my half-brother was born and my half-sister.  Joshua was born in 1975 and Jennifer was born in 1980. Those two years changed my life with my Sam and Yolonda.

Sam really didn’t need me around anymore, even though my Kathy would make me go and make them take me. I can remember Josh. He was a brown-haired little boy who was cute and fun to be with.  But, by this time I’m nine years old, and he took away the time I needed with Sam. And, trying to have something with my step-mom.  They had diapers to change, they had to cook,and they had to give baths. It was their boy, he was only my part-time brother.

My dad at one point in our life, told me that my step-mom gave him an ultimatum it was either her or me(or visa versa). He made his choice. He chose his wife over me. (remember I didn’t know that for years after, I happened to be married when I found out) That still hurts. So keeping up.

He chose her, in doing so,  I saw less and less of Sam. He had his own life, why would he need me? He didn’t. He had Josh, Josh was his boy.  I did have to go over there, with my mom forcing Sam and Yolonda to take me.

I’d go over there, and I was treated like “Cinderella”. dinner would be cooked, I’d have to clean up, while they watched TV. I would have to help fold clothes. It wasn’t a visit for me, it was work. And, at nine or ten I didn’t feel I should have to work, while they watched TV. All I needed was a prince charming to take me away. (That would have been my dad) He was NO prince charming to me, and Yolonda was the wicked step-mom. I loved to hate her, or I hated to love her.

I was an outcast, in my father’s life. He would tell me things about Kathy, that a ten-year old should never hear. Kathy was the brunt of my dad’s side of the family. Making comments about her being gay/lesbian. I wanted to fit in, so I played along with it. I’ve since apologized to Kathy about it.

But never mining that, that’s all over. Now it’s my turn. I can remember one time going to my dads (well almost all of the times) but this one time, Joshua was taking a bath, and he was sticking something into a bar of soap. Yolonda didn’t see, or she did and she didn’t care. I decided I would take the bar of soap away and tell him “No”! My step-mom flew off the handle at me, that I remember running down the stairs, scared. After his bath, she told my dad, and then i got in trouble even more. Can’t remember what exactly happened to me, if anything, but I do remember getting in bigger trouble. Remembering I’m still young.

I can remember going to my dads for the holidays. Well not the actual holiday, Sam and Yolonda didn’t want that. So I would go over like Christmas Eve, or the day after. I would walk in their house, and I would see the same tree I saw at their house every year. It was like they had that specific tree in their backyard and they’d cut it down every year. The ornaments seemed like they were in the same place, and the p-resents were in the same place, lots of presents, lots and lots of presents. Only a couple were mine. When you’re a child you want to feel like your loved and that your wanted, if you don’t get a lot of love and don’t feel wanted, the only way you can feel loved is with presents on Santa Claus day. I can remember getting a pair of socks for Christmas. Now, you know that’s a fun ass gift, from the people who loved you.

Oh time to go home, time to go back to Kathy. No telling what I’ve done while I was away, to piss her off.  But, I know I did.

I was always stressed. Stressed to go to my dads, stressed to go back home, stressed to go to school. Stressed because I was stressed. I always had a stomach ache. I can’t remember a day that I didn’t have one.

(I’m going to write more tomorrow, it’s late and I’m getting stressed cause it’s late) No I’m not stressed, just tired.

Until we meet again on the next page.

Patty

When harms way happens, to be your mother

I’m this seven-year old girl and the only people who aren’t putting me in harm’s way, is my grandparents. They are my foundation, they are my stability. The only thing wrong with that, is I don’t live with them. I live with my mother from hell. She abused me. And, when I say abused me, I mean, physically and mentally.  You decide which if you had to choose, would you rather get spanked with a pussy willow tree twig, bare bottom (you have to go get it off the tree yourself, and pick the thinnest one) or get yelled at, and get called a slut, or your no good, your nothing but a loser?

As for me, spank me, break my arm, those will heal in time. But, if you keep yelling at me calling me names, those words stay with a person forever.  One thing Kathy said to me, when I was in sixth grade, and I will never forget about it.

I wanted to go do something one day with my mom. Shes the only person I had, but didn’t have. When I mentioned doing something together, she turned to me in that dominant voice and said, in pretty loud tone, she says ” MY WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU, PATTY”. at that moment, I knew that she only did things with me, if she didn’t have her girlfriend with her, and it was convenient with her schedule.. Growing up with such a dominant woman, and being lesbian, was one of the hardest things I ever did. I thought because Kathy was lesbian, that my friend(s) thought I was. Sleep overs, very rarely happen, if they did, and I slept in their bed with them and my foot accidentally touched theirs, I would move so far over, that I would almost fall off the bed. Right in the middle of fifth grade, just outta the blue, Kathy decided we were going to move? I get home from school one day, and there’s my stuff. Waiting for me to grab it up and put it in the car. They had already gotten rid of our dogs. They said they were going to take them to a park, well that trip in the cars that the dogs took wasn’t to the park,it was to an open field, or the pound. Somewhere, but home. they were cruel that way. They would bring them home, we would treat them like family, and BAM, they were gone. I forget what excuse they used, but the excuse worked for awhile. After many years had passed, Kathy finally told me, what they did with our pets, and oh when she told me, it was funny to her. As for me, NOT funny, still sad to this day.

So when Kathy put me in harm’s way, she didn’t even have a clue it was her that was doing it all, not anyone else. She made these choices to be harmful. These were her choices, and those were all I knew. Whether it was a good thing or not.

I’ve chosen to take the opposite in raising my daughter. She will always know I love her… No Matter What, I will always be there for her. For better or worse. Shes my daughter..

I hope you enjoy my story so far, this is my journey to a healthier life.. Trying  to rid ,myself of the wounds Kathy and Sam had brought upon me, in return making them feel guilty. I hope they do, because I’ve been feeling that way for over 40 years now. We  will either heal our mother daughter relationship or we won’t

The relationship is a very painful one, and will be hard to mend. The only thing I can do, is. Try! I’ve done this many times, I am now in Therapy, in hope he can help me channel the love I have for bot

h of my parents to my husband and my daughter.

Until we meet again.

Sincerely

An abused child all grown up

This is to my parents

So I decided last night that I don’t have a relationship with either of my parents. In saying that I’m not going to cover up their names or mine. This is not about non-fiction characters, this is about my real life.

If  they run across it, or someone they know does, and they read it, so fucking be it. I’m an adult now, and if they choose to not be a part of my life. Their lose.

So Kathy and Sammy if you don’t like it! You can go and take a fucking leap off a bridge.

This will only give you both a reason, NOW to not speak to me.

I’m through trying, and you’ll say you tried. That’s only because you have guilt.

All the things I write about in here, you may or may not want to hear. I’m sorry, but someone has to do it. I’m your only child between the two of you, so “Deal with it”.

My life is now open, open to everyone that wants to read about it.

I’m tired of hiding my life, because of your bad decisions.

So it’s your turn to take a trip down memory lane, in my eyes. Not the way you think you can remember.

See Ya in the after life, maybe. If  I choose to have anything to do with either of you after what you’ve put me through over the past 44 years.

Your only child,

Patty