I swear some days, I am glutton for punishment. Punishment from myself.
I can only try so many times before I just give up. But, when I don’t give up, then it seems as though I’m just looking to be hurt again.
I know they don’t mean to hurt me. Well, I would hope that they wouldn’t want to.
But, I could talk to them five minutes or five hours and the outcome of the conversation would be the same. Me getting off the phone and I’d be hurt. Pissed off at them. Then it would start the cycle all over again.
If I could just stop, believe me I would. I’m tired of feeling pain.
I even feel pain when I don’t talk to them. All the unresolved issues we have between us.
I even feel pain when I see or hear about mothers and daughters getting together and doing something. Like going to the movies, going to lunch, or getting together for Mother’s Day.
I even feel the pain when I see or hear about father’s and daughters getting together for a BBQ’s, or getting together for Father’s Day.
I do feel happy when I see it around me, but I always wish it could be me and my mom or my dad.
My dad has two kids from his marriage now. They were born in 1975 and 1980 . So to know my dad has a relationship with them, hurts me. I’m glad for them and happy he has them, but I get sad because all I’ve ever wanted with my dad was what they have.
My mom, she has a girlfriend. And, she has No kids. But if her friends have kids, or grandkids, she has a relationship with them. Then I start thinking I’m not good enough to be apart of her life. Which in return is painful, to me.
My mom will go out of her way to be kind to complete strangers, and let them live with her and her girlfriend. She will give them a job, she will let them eat her food. But, all I ever wanted from my mom is Time. When I get turned down from her, I feel pain. Pain turns into anger, and anger turns into me punishing myself, in some way. She has called me names, names that I would never dream of saying to my daughter, and that is very painful.
My dad has said things to me that are painful. Very painful. To where I actually think before saying it to my daughter. If it was painful for me and I can remember those hurtful words. I know it would be damaging to my daughter.
I have learned a lot from my parents. Not, in the way you may think. Not in being kind to others, not in, don’t hurt that persons feelings.
The things I have learned from my mom are…. Do not say things to your child like…….. You’re a bitch, Fuck You, you look like a slut with that on, my world doesn’t revolve around you. I’ve learned that any woman in my life, will hurt me.
The things I have learned from my dad are… Don’t ever give up on your child, don’t let your new spouse tell you how to handle your daughter from your first marriage, I’ve learned how to be an addict, I’ve learned that if I get married again that my child will come first, I’ve learned that if I let a man in my life he will eventually hurt me.
I have a wall.
A wall around me.
A wall, that NO one can get into.
A wall, that protects me from everyone.
A wall, that will come down.
But when will I be able to trust again, trust anyone?
I’ve been married for almost 22 years. I know one day my husband will hurt me. He will hurt me by cheating on me, or he will leave me. He will hurt me.
I am a damaged woman.
I am Patty
Glutton for Punishment.