Great! Just fucking great! She found out!
She found out her only kid, her only 15 year old daughter was pregnant!
What the fuck is she gonna do?
What’s she gonna say to me after she picks me up?
Is there going to be a lot of screaming?
Is she gonna smack me around?
Will she be concerned for me and this baby?
I will soon find out my faith, will I live or will I die?
Wheww! Thank god I live, I live another day.
With living there comes a small price to pay with hell.
Hell happened to be living with Kathy (my mom).
The day she came and picked me up, after i walked to my best friends home. Running away. My life wouldn’t be the same.
Surprisingly when she picked me up she was fairly calm. We get home and Kathy says to me, ” I guess you need some clothes that fit?” WOW! Really? “Humm, ya I guess so.”
My thoughts of clothes and her thoughts of them are different. I’m thinking the shirts that have an arrow and they say bun in the oven, cute clothes. Her thoughts of clothes were just that, maternity clothes. Nothing fancy, nothing cute.
Atleast I’m alive, I’m still breathing. I didn’t get hit, and she hasn’t yelled at the top of her lungs to me,yet…..
I think our life will be ok. Mine and this babies.. That day we went and got clothes for me… Ok so I’ve got clothes.
That evening she mentions to me something about school and how I’m gonna have to go the next day. Shit! you mean I have to go back to school? Really with me being pregnant and no one else at that school is? Nope not gonna do it, fuck you Kathy, that shit ain’t gonna happen.. After her trying to be a concerned parent and talk to me about this place where I was not going to go…. I had to go.. I was forced, I was forced to be laughed at, talked about and shunned by people I thought were my friends, by people that weren’t my friends. I was not just an only child the black sheep at home, I was the only child the black sheep at my high school.
I didn’t attend high school very long after that first day. This is where it gets blurry for me.
Somewhere between me not going to school and me having this child, we went and saw a lawyer. Kathy knew him and I had no idea we were going to see anyone. He spoke to me about adoption. Placing this child in someone else’s home. This means I have this baby and I never see it again.. Oh hell no! That’s not going to happen..
I’ve seen a doctor, I’ve seen a lawyer, now all I have to do is tell her that I want to keep this baby.
Scared to death to tell her, I finally broke down and told her. “Kathy, I want to keep this child.”
Her reaction is just as I thought it would be.
“If you keep this child, you will need to find a job and an apartment, because I will not get woke up in the middle of the night from a crying baby!”
At 15 I hadn’t the voice I have now.
I knew I couldn’t raise this child on my own, so adoption it is.. Ughhhh! I fucking hate this feeling, I fucking hate Kathy! She is the devil. She’s not the caring person others see. No one knows her like I do. She is my enemy. She is still my enemy.
The day my water broke, we drove to two different hospitals. The first was in Concord. I got a shot in my ass, that was to increase the babies lungs. The second hospital was in Oakland.
Oakland was where I gave birth to a 3lb 9oz baby boy.
I wasn’t there very long before I went home. I went home empty handed. No baby.
The day I left I went and saw him.
That day was one of the hardest days of my life.
The day I left my son, in the hands of strangers. Strangers that he would call mom and dad.
I hate my life.
I feel sorry for myself.
I wished I was never born.
My life is full of dysfunction.
I have no where to turn.
I have no one to talk to.
I have no more tears to cry.
I have no family.
I have no friends.
I am Patty-
I am the black sheep.
I am an only child